DL's Book of Assholes

What kind of people toss their trash out the car window? Were they raised by wolves? Almost daily I see McDonald's bags strewn on the roadsides and even smack dab in the middle of the road. Then there's the ubiquitous Tim Horton's cups just about everywhere except where they're supposed to be - in the garbage.

I would love to talk to someone who feels they have the absolute right to throw their trash out their vehicle windows. I'd like them to try to explain to me what goes through their heads as they finish off that hamburger and drain the last drop from that large pop, stuff all the packaging back inside the bag, roll down the window and just toss.

Until then, people who throw their garbage out their vehicle windows are number one in my Book of Assholes.

Come to think of it, I don't want to talk to a garbage tosser....there's nothing they could say that would shed any light on the workings of their tiny brains.

Apartment for rent - ants & vermin included at no extra cost

One and two-bedroom apartments for rent. Fridge/stove included - not necessarily in proper working order. Sporadic heat/hot water included. Close to schools and shopping. Safe community - we have a permanent paddy wagon patrol! Starting at $550. We offer several "little extras" including:

*Pharaoh ants
*Silverfish
*Bedbugs
*Rats & mice
*Broken window glass - provides a lovely breeze in summer!
*Sporadic heating & hot water - you have to get up early if you want that hot shower!
*Mold- don't worry, it's inside the walls - no visible unsightly stains!
*Open door policy -many unit entry doors are missing locks.
*Overflowing dumpster bins - perfect for bird watching! Seagulls and crows in abundance.
*Absent smoke detectors, sprinklers and fire extinguishers - no annoying & time-consuming battery changes!
*Non-working electrical outlets - usually one per unit is working - hey, we do what we can for the environment!

Would you live here? What if you had no choice? The above classified ad is fictional but the rental units are real and are located on Churchill/Roleika Drive in Dartmouth Nova Scotia. Most of the people living in this cluster of buildings believe they have no other choice. They of course are not told about the "little extras" when viewing the units but soon discover every one of them as they settle in. The more obvious "extras" are explained away - 'we're having trouble with our trash collector but that is being resolved as we speak' or 'there will be locks on the door and window replacement as soon as we can'.

For the less fortunate in our society the fact that there's a roof over their heads can be the main attraction and they place their trust in the owners to actually follow through on the promises. They sign the lease and move in. It's July so they do enjoy a nice breeze through those broken windows
but they also acquire an ample supply of flies, mosquitoes and hornets. The odd cat if one lives on the ground floor.

They have spotted a couple of silverfish in the bathroom but they convince themselves that most bathrooms have at least a few of them. Later on the tenant will be awakened one night with an itchy arm and discover an extra large silverfish is the cause.

As the season changes to the cooler months they begin to spot the odd ant but these ants are like nothing they have ever seen. They seem to be almost transparent. And they're very aggressive. The tenant has been biten a couple of times by these creatures.

As far as the promised locks on the entrance door are concerned, well they're still waiting for that. In the meantime they do their best to secure the apartment by wedging a chair under the inside doorknob and inserting several kitchen knives between the door and the framing.

One night a tenant was expecting a visit from her boyfriend so she didn't secure the door. She decided to indulge in a hot bath while she waited. Granted, her decision wasn't a wise one considering where she was living but we've all made stupid decisions in our lives. She heard the door open and someone moving about in the apartment. She called out her boyfriend's name but there was no answer. The bathroom door began to inch open and standing there gaping at her was a local well known drug addict male who lives in the neighbourhood. Fortunately he left quickly when the tenant started screaming.

Having locks on apartment doors comes in handy in situations like that. Locks tend to keep the riffraff out.

November starts with a vengeance and the days and nights have become downright frigid. The broken windows that provided a nice breeze in July are now allowing cold air into the apartment and of course, warm air out. But the tenant has more important things to worry about. Those odd
transparent ants that were no more than a nuisance in summer are now taking refuge inside the building because they cannot tolerate the cold.

After some research and discussions with fellow tenants it is discovered that the building is overrun with Pharaoh ants. They can be seen entering apartments in long lines. Once inside they like living behind walls with a preference for electrical outlets. Their numbers become so numerous that they are eventually everywhere - kitchen cupboards and perishable food, bathtubs, beds...everywhere that is either warm or moist or both.

The landlord has been notified several times of the ant situation which has apparently been a problem for quite some time and well before this tenant took residence. The landlord has never addressed the problem. One reason? It would cost too much to have the buildings exterminated.

So the landlord keeps his distance because it just wouldn't do to carry a couple of these little buggers to his home in the wealthier suburbs. He knows all about these particular ants because they hail from the same part of the world he does - Egypt. He also knows that these ants are
particularly difficult to completely eradicate. The insecticides available in this part of the world have no effect on Pharoah ants.

But he does nothing.

It's January of a new year now. The Pharaoh ants have taken over in the tenant's apartment. Taking a bath or shower is now impossible as one must compete with the ants for space and actually share the bath or shower with them if one is brave enough. Perishable food cannot be brought into the unit at all. If something perishable is brought in, the item must be stored in the refrigerator. The tenant is running out of free space in the fridge as all foods are stored in there.

The tenant can no longer relax and watch TV or listen to music or even sleep without being assaulted by ants. That bite. This tenant has lost the battle and will soon be moving on. This tenant is one of the few lucky ones - others in the building don't have that option and are at the constant mercy of a card-carrying slumlord.

But now that the decision has been made to leave, our tenant faces a new dilemma - Pharaoh ants love to hide in the most unlikely of places..how does one move their belongings without bringing along some of the ants? These ants are adept at starting brand new colonies from almost
nothing. Our tenant fears that they will be forced to leave all possessions behind and escape literally with the clothes on their back.

Our tenant is still one of the lucky ones. Escape from this cesspool is imminent. The same cannot be said for the unlucky ones who have no other choice but to live there and suffer at the hands of a cold-hearted slumlord.

How have we as a society allowed this to happen?

Find out about Pharaoh ants here: PHARAOH ANTS

An Increasingly Insular America

Today we'll examine the self-appointed protectors against Canadians taking advantage of the US job market A.K.A the United States border patrol: according to a CBC news item, a U.S. Customs and Border protection spokesperson said "there is an increased demand on border guards to be very thorough with NAFTA applicants" after it was discovered that one Canadian who has been working and living in Utah for over ten years was suddenly denied entry into the United States by US border guards.

Kevin Gibbons who is a highly educated and equally qualified telecommunications specialist took his wife home to Canada last year for a visit. As they attempted to cross back into the US, Gibbons was refused re-entry by an over-zealous border guard who took his valid work visa, tossed it aside and referred to the documents as "garbage". Gibbons said, "I was told they were of no use for the classification that I was seeking that I had had for 13 years".

A US border patrol spokesperson explained, "We do have a commitment at the border to protect the American job market....we also have an obligation to make sure that we only allow those people in that should be allowed in". Until this incident, Gibbons had no problem crossing the border for 13 years. Nothing changed on his part so why all of the sudden is he labeled an undesirable?

As of this writing, Gibbons and his wife are still in Canada, basically homeless as they try to straighten out this mess. He was allowed to re-enter the US for a short period of time to sell his home and his belongings.

Wow! Americans are such a generous lot, aren't they...?

Why did this happen? Unfortunately Gibbons' predicament is merely a sign of the times. Since September 11, 2001 the United States has become so paranoid and suspicious of anyone who doesn't blindly pledge allegiance to the stars & stripes, that they are constantly cutting off their collective noses to spite their collective faces. The word "insular" comes to mind as a perfect way of describing the psyche of the American powers-that-be. Is it too much of a stretch to suggest that sometime in the not so distant future, the entire geographical area of the United States will be protected by an invisible force field? Their scientists and techies are probably working on it as I type.

And here we are in Canada, literally stuck with them and suffering the further misfortune of having a prime minister who admires and emulates the current US administration and no doubt secretly pledges allegiance to their flag in the basement of his temporary home on Sussex Drive in the dead of night when the media have all gone home.

Strange days....

Canadian Defence Minister Announces Funding to Re-Open CFB Cornwallis - Or Does He?

Defence Minister Gordon O'Connor at a news conference at CFB Cornwallis:

I’m thrilled to announce today the re-establishing of CFB Cornwallis Canadian Forces Recruit School (CFRS).

Over the next two decades we estimate that National Defence will invest 200 million dollars in the operation of the Recruit School. Among other things, the number of students, instructors and military personnel will be increased.

I realize that the destiny of this prestigious school has remained an unfulfilled dream for so many of you here today, as it has for our greater Canadian military family.

I want to pay tribute to the determination of the elected municipal officials for their unfailing, unflagging love for and belief in their CFRS.

Like you, we want to restore the CFRS to its former pride and glory, as it deserves. From now on, this will be a place of learning of the highest quality, one that is dedicated to the instruction of our future soldiers from all over Canada who want to study in English.

This reopening is significant for a number of reasons. For one thing, because the Canadian Forces are growing. Recruitment is going very well, especially in The Atlantic Provinces. And for another, because we are serious in our intention to comply with the Official Languages Act as it pertains to English.

The CFB Cornwallis Canadian Forces Recruit School, in addition to contributing to the noble tradition of developing English and French officers, will offer at some point next year a two-year college-level training program.

But above all, this reopening makes it possible to restore military tradition to CFB Cornwallis.

The Canadian Forces Recruit School at Cornwallis is not picking up where it left off in 1994; this is a new beginning that will enable it to develop over the years to come.

The CFRC is a jewel in the crown of our military heritage. It will contribute, as it did once before, to the growth of the Canadian Forces and to the region of Nova Scotia's beautiful Annapolis Valley.

CFB Cornwallis and the CFRB are back!

Thank you.
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defence
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The next day:

New Release from Prime Minister Stephen Harper:

Dear Nova Scotia,

Further to Minister O'Connor's announcement yesterday regarding the reopening of CFB Cornwallis.....

PSYCH! You didn't seriously think that we were going to give you wankers in Nova Scotia 300 million smackeroos now did ya? God you people are so freaking gullible.

Regards
Steve

P.S. If Rockin' Rod reads this - SNAP!

The Grays - They Really Are Here - Deal With It

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Earlier today I reluctantly finished reading a book that has managed to re-kindle my curiosity and fascination with a topic that if brought up in polite conversation will undoubtedly and irrevocably set you apart from the crowd as an oddball.

The book - The Grays written convincingly by Whitley Strieber, an author whose works I haven't read for more than a decade. Strieber is a renowned expert on the subject of alien abductions and believes that extraterrestrials or as he refers to them, "the visitors" have been visiting earth for centuries. Himself an abductee, Strieber describes his experience in the best-seller, Communion published in 1985.

Strieber describes The Grays as "fact-based fiction" and is a culmination of Strieber's extensive research findings as well as his own past experiences. For the non-believer the novel will no doubt entertain, perhaps even spark a bit of self-doubt that maybe they should re-evaluate their positions on the existence of ETs. For those of us who at one time belonged to the group of believers, The Grays will re-kindle the once burning questions-with-no-answers that helped make life just a tad more interesting but eventually gave up after buying into the whole mantra that anyone who believed in extraterrestrials were simply nut cases.

I belonged to that category. I wanted to believe that extraterrestrials were among us but life sort of got in the way and I grew away from the notion. The constant government denials of any extraordinary event occurring in New Mexico in 1947 had succeeded over the years in convincing me that aliens were simply a figment of our overactive imaginations.

But how could I turn my back on my own experience with an extraordinary event? I actually encountered something that can only be described as an unidentified flying object - a UFO - when I was no older than seven or eight. How could I possibly convince myself that the encounter didn't really happen? The government propaganda machine has always been very well oiled and maintained....

Thank god for people like Whitley Streiber and Stanton T. Friedman, another notable Ufologist. They never wavered in their beliefs and they never allowed the government to wear them down. They know the truths and they will never give up. They have me back.

I grew up in a tiny village that bordered Canadian Forces Base Gagetown in New Brunswick Canada. Our family would partake of a few annual community events organized by civilians in the town of Gagetown and one of those happened to be a Gagetown Fair which took place in the late summer of either 1959 or 1960. I have no distinct memories of the Fair but I remember quite vividly the drive home.

There were four of us in the car heading back to Welsford on the lonely two-lane highway bordered on both sides with forest. The sun had dipped below the tree line - it was dusk. My parents were in the front seat - my father behind the wheel. I and my younger brother were in the backseat and I, seated behind my mother on the passenger side of the car was looking out the side window at nothing in particular. My brother suddenly indicated to our parents that he had to "go" so Dad slowed the car and pulled over to the side of the highway. He put the car in park and turned off the ignition.

As was the norm in those days when one of the kids needed to "go" when in a car out in the middle of nowhere, my mother got out of the car, left her door open and opened the back door on her side, leaving that open as well. My brother scrambled out of the car, relieved himself within the "privacy" of the two open doors. But while he was in the process of zipping up, I saw something in the sky just over the tree line beyond where our car was temporarily parked. I watched it for a moment...it seemed to be moving slowly but I heard no sound.

I told my mother and pointed. She took one look and scurried us back in the car immediately. I can remember sensing that she was suddenly afraid. My father by now was aware of this strange object and after making sure we were all in the car and the doors were closed - and locked for the first time that evening, he hurriedly pulled the car back on the road and sped away. But not away from the flying object.

As we drove along that dark highway the object appeared to be shadowing us. It never came any closer to the car but kept up at the same speed as the car. It remained just over the treetops to our right. The object was long and shaped like a big cigar. I remember pretty lights that went along the length of the object. It never ever made a sound or noise like one would expect from a flying craft.

It shadowed us almost the entire way back to Welsford. Then suddenly as we were coming up on the turn into the village, it was gone. I didn't see it speed away...it was just gone. Our family never discussed the event until years later, I don't know why.

Later when we did start talking about it, my mother told me that she felt fear because she sensed fear in my father. My father was not a man who would scare easily so for her to sense fear from him was alarming. During the event I remember no feelings of fear. I was very young and felt more....in awe I guess is the right feeling. My brother was too young to remember the event at all. My father refused to ever talk about it and eventually took his emotions from that night to the grave.

And that was the end of that. It was the first and last time I witnessed an extraordinary event like that. As I grew older into my teens I realized the magnitude of what we had seen - a UFO. I felt rather special that I was the only girl in my circle of friends who had ever seen one.

Of course one could say that living so close to CFB Gagetown, there might be all sorts of experimental vehicles out and about. True but for one important point - this was the late 1950s/early 1960s....they may have been testing new airplanes but they certainly did not have the knowledge to actually fly one of these things for miles without making a sound. It had no wings, no props, no chem trails. Just pretty lights on a very large cigar. Which followed our car for miles. And then....went poof.

So I'm back. Call me crazy...that's fine. Call me a conspiracy theorist if you must but I prefer conspiracy factualist. The object I and my family saw that night is a fact...the conspiracy was and continues to be perpetuated by those who don't want us to believe our own eyes....by those who will do whatever it takes to continue to deny that we are not alone....

ET came to us eons ago and have stuck around.

It's now up to us to find out why....

Hey Stephen Harper! When Are You Going To Newfoundland?

There's a whole lot of people down east in Atlantic Canada who are taking bets on whether you have the gonads to travel to Danny Williams country A.K.A. Newfoundland so you can make yet another one of your very important (but previously released) federal announcements and get your picture taken by gullible CP photogs who don't have the intestinal fortitude to boycott your constant craving for control.

People down here are wondering if you'd snub Premier Williams like you've snubbed Nova Scotia Premier Rodney MacDonald. We'd all like to see you try, I can tell you that. Come on Mr. Prime Minister, take a little jaunt to the Rock so you can get your picture taken standing in downtown Dildo. Now that I think about it, you should commission an artist to create a statue of your grand self and then have it erected in the Dildo town square.

I can't think of a more appropriate setting for a life-sized statue of Your Royal Lowness.

Summer 2007